I am now down 63 pounds and have hit that point where I think people who see me would think I could stand to lose some weight, but I don't think I'd be described as "obese" even though I still technically am. I fit into "normal" sized clothes. Sometimes I feel a little giddy when I think about how the next bathing suit I buy will be a single digit or how in the Spring I can buy clothes that actually look cute. I'll have all new problems then though because I'm not exactly sure how a mom to small children in her mid forties is supposed to dress. Who knows what I'll be left with when the extra weight is gone--it probably isn't going to be the body I had 10 years ago. I am currently at ("ideal weight")+56, that "ideal" being the super thin I couldn't even maintain at 20 for any length of time. I plan on losing at least 20 pounds more, but think I'll probably go for 40 more---somewhere between 20 and 40 when I hit a point where what I'm doing isn't delivering results I'll call it good, buy all new clothes, and go into maintenance-mode. I mention that I am ("ideal weight")+56 because there still is a part of me that feels that that number in HUGE while another part rejoices that it is SO much better than what I've been the last 8 years. I'm at that point where other women say I look great, but I'm looking forward to when some of them stop talking to me about it ha ha. You know, that point where they feel threatened for some reason so they can't say anything nice. I'm pretty much aiming for where I used to be when I felt fat and wanted to lose weight. It wasn't so much that I thought I looked fat, it was more that the number on the scale told me I was fat because it wasn't a number I could proudly announce. It wasn't like 107. I feel like women are supposed to be under 120 even though I know that for most women that is rather underweight unless you are short. It is the movie weights I think that give me that idea. I would guess that most women who are not fat nor model thin are probably 140ish. I don't ask other women how much they weigh and they probably wouldn't answer honestly anyway so that is just a guess. I think this time if I get down to 140ish I will be happy with it instead of feeling I need to try to get those last 20ish pounds off.
I've had my moments. I get happy when I hit a new 0 going below the last 10. I get happy when I can size down my pants. Then there have been the sad moments like when I measured myself and saw that I am wearing a few sizes smaller than the clothing chart says I should be. You think you are a 12 because your pants are a size 12 but the chart says you are an 18--uncool. I've also had times I found a pair of pants I was sure would have to fit because they looked SO HUGE and they were tight. That is why I've fixated on the number on the scale because I don't trust that i'm not delusional about my size. I'm probably rarely right. I'm probably either over or underestimating my size. I know it isn't just me.
I have had to make some changes along the way. Sometimes I feel like I am juggling and keep getting thrown new balls to work in. I guess that is how it goes. So far it has turned out ok. The first challenge I hit was my blood pressure went up. I'd never had a problem with my blood pressure before. Then boom, I hit 127 over an ok number I've forgotten. I wasn't sure if it was the fact that I was eating too much sodium or not as much garlic so I lowered the sodium and started taking garlic pills. I threw in some CoQ10 for good measure. I used to get a lot of garlic on the frequent pasta I ate. Cottage cheese and deli turkey breast were giving me a lot of sodium. I cut out the cottage cheese and replaced the deli turkey with a freshly cooked thin sliced chicken breast which is in some ways more work, but it is worth it. It jsut makes it a little harder when you have to look at protein, carbs and sodium--it is often only 2 that are good. (I want at least 7 grams of protein every time I eat.) So now for breakfast I eat 2 ounces of mozzarella melted on a multigrain tortilla, have 33 grams of almonds for snack, a 4 oz chicken breast on low carb bread with an ounce of cheese for lunch and then i have dinner which usually includes 12 oz of black beans, 6-8 oz of chicken, pork or beef (75% of the time chicken wiht the others rotated) and sometimes a baked potato or corn or peas. My daily treat is a See's lollipop. I dropped a snack that I probably shouldn't have. I need to get back to eating every 2 1/2 hours to keep my metabolism up, but I'm not really hungry so I forget. I get busy and forget. Sometimes I add a cheese stick if I remember, but I need to be better at remembering. The other change I've made is that I walk a lot. It is a pretty easy way to get exercise but it takes time. Most days I spend at least 2 hours walking which means I have 2 hours less in my day to do everything else that needs to get done. I do multitask in that I check email and Facebook while walking. I need that 6 or so miles a day because now my calorie requirement is so low it would be really hard to make it without them. One of those hours doesn't really count because it is walking kids to and from school--that hour is pretty much gone. There are 3 trips. If I drove and had to park and get everyone in and out of car seats it would probably take the same 20 minutes a trip as walking does. Now I may change again. My youngest may be old enough to enjoy the gym daycare so some long walks may be replaced by the gym. That won't save time however. I have to drive to the gym, get everyone out and in the daycare and get dressed. An hour walk takes exactly 1 hour. An hour at the gym takes close to 2. An hour walk is free. An hour at the gym costs $4 in daycare fees. However an hour at the gym should burn a lot more calories. We'll see. With the weather changing I might need to go back to Xbox Zumba and dance games.
The other challenge I have is finding balance; that balance between willpower and determination and being able to have cake at a birthday party or ice-cream with one of my kids on a kid-date. I want to lose weight, but I don't want the biggest thing about me to be that I'm on a diet. I want to teach my kids good habits, but I don't want them to feel women can never have carbs. For me extremes have always been easier than moderation. No pizza is easier than stopping at one slice. I'm working on it.
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