I am now 4 lbs away from my goal which is amazing in a few ways. For one, this goal is actually 24 lbs heavier than my previous "ideal weight" which I have come to realize was ridiculous. I don't name it because posting my actual weight on the internet just seems wrong--that is top secret information, partly because there are people out there who say things like "OMG so and so ballooned up to 130 and she is only 5'7"" or "OMG I thought I was going to die when I was pregnant and hit 125 lbs, I felt like a whale!" Granted, there are also people who will say that 135 is too skinny for them, or they love how they look at 150, but unfortunately the many voices that say anything over 120 (regardless of height) is too fat and the people who think that Jennifer Lawrence is fat...it just kind of makes admitting to anything over 115 publicly seem risky. So, while I am determined to be at peace with myself at a higher weight, I'm not naming it publicly. It is funny, because my current goal is where most of my earlier diets started because it is the top of the "Healthy range" for my height and 20 years ago anything over the lowest number was "over" and meant I needed to lose some weight. This time I'm calling it good. I'm a middle aged, happily married mom, not an aspiring bikini model or aerobics teacher. I don't need to be super fit, just healthy. If healthy habits lose me some weight after the diet is officially over, that is great, but I am not going to be down on myself for every jiggle or flaw. I'm going to eat waffles with my kids guilt free! Well, I am going to eat one of the waffles I make with my kids anyway.
Looking back I think I was previously way too focused on the number, that magic number that "proved" I wasn't fat, not matter what others might intimate. We women are really bad to each other some times. You get that thin woman in a group who is the thinnest present and she complains about how she needs to get in shape and how we could all stand to lose weight--you know, since she is a 2 and not a ZERO and all. It leaves one wondering if she is being a bitch or if she has body dysmorphic disorder and needs mental help. The look on her face the time it actually happened last led me to believe it was the former--she was showing off her flat stomach to 2 women who had just had babies and then thought saying she could lose some weight made it nicer somehow. In case you didn't know, calling yourself fat when you are smaller than the person you are talking to doesn't make them feel better. I'm going to ignore those people. I'm going to ignore the backhanded compliments about being brave for wearing a bathing suit in public, or being comfortable eating, wearing or doing something they would not do...I'm jsut going to ignore all the negativity other women lob about. I digress, I was saying I was too into the number and looking back it seems funny I didn't notice. When I got to that weight I was unhappy because I didn't look right. My ribs and hip bones stood out, and my stomach was concave, but I had weird lumps on my hips. Bone, divot, lump and I couldn't get rid of that lump. The bottom of my hourglass was lumpy. Now I realize I'd lost the fat that rounded out my hips. I hadn't cared that I'd actually looked better about 15 pounds heavier, I'd obsessed over having to weigh that number. What a waste. I'm not doing that again. I know better than to just look at my body and no the scale, because I know I'm never going to look at myself naked in the mirror and think I look perfect. Along with everyone else I am bombarded with images of unrealistic female bodies. Even models are photoshopped. Even that 20 year old who hasn't had kids is photoshopped to meet some insane ideal. I'm not comparing myself to that. I'm accepting what the charts say is a "healthy weight."
The other funny thing about being 4 pounds away from my goal is that it has taken me longer to lose the last 20 than the first 80. There is a whole bunch of weirdness with that, but that should be a different entry. I'd gotten to a point where I was thinking it wasn't really going to happen and I'd need to make peace with being overweight. I'd been morbidly obese so just overweight is a huge improvement. Being an 8 rather than an 18/20 is already quite the change. Now, at 4 pounds away, after everything I've been through I know that I could be at my goal next week, or it could take until next month. It is kind of weird to think I could actually be at my goal next week. I weighed in at 101 down today, but I could really be 103 down retaining some water since I held steady for a week before the scale started moving. Or I could hold here for a few weeks. It will feel weird because it will be the first time in over 20 years that I won't feel I should lose some weight. I'll have about a year where I have to be really careful to maintain the weight, but after my set point is reset I should be able to just life life, continuing my healthy habits, but not weighing and calculating every bite. For the last 22 months I have been on this diet. It will feel a little odd to be off it. It also strikes me as odd that 4 pounds away is both so far and so close. Four doesn't see like much, but if I quit now it would seem SO wrong...but then I think about how I plateaued 10 lbs higher and stayed there for months and months despite daily 1000+ deficits and when the scale did move it was in the wrong direction. Oddly, I think it would almost be harder to handle if that happened to me now. It shouldn't really make a different since I am in the size clothes I'll be. I'm in a 6 now. I don't think I'll ever be a 4. I don't have 4s hanging in my closet waiting like my 6's did. I'm still hung up on an exact number, but at least this time it is more realistic.
Before:
During:
Almost there
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