Not So Proud Moments

     I was proud when I had lost 100 lbs and then 101 and was only 3 pounds away from my goal. I figured I'd be writing about hitting my goal the next week. Nope. I'm now 7 pounds away from my goal. I managed to gain about 5 lbs in a week...well, less than a week. It is amazing and unfair, amazingly unfair and unfairly amazing that one could gain that much weight that fast. I could tell you why and make excuses, but it doesn't really matter. Rather I'll share what I learned from the experience. For one, no matter how good the sale, it isn't a good idea to have 6 pints of Ben&Jerry's Core ice creams in the freezer. Secondly, the idea your body can only absorb so much fat or calories at one time so eating a bunch at one time isn't as bad as spreading it out--probably BS. According to Myfitnesspal I was 8,861 calories over my goal for the week which would have been a 7000 deficit which means I ate an extra 1,861over what I burned which is a little over 1/2 a pound. According to my scale I gained 5 lbs. The ice cream itself had a total of 6,800 calories, 392 g fat, 716 g carbs (620 sugar) which is 1.94 lbs of body fat's worth. We did eat out twice, there was some racooned Easter candy, a waffle and I did eat more than normal, but I'd think by the numbers I just shouldn't have lost weight. Granted, I did not weigh everything and there was guestimating after the fact going on, but still, actually gaining 5 lbs seems like my body over reacted! At one point I was weighing in 10 lbs higher than my lowest--the 5 is after giving my body time to flush out bloat. Not cool. 

    I'm thinking sugar might be the trigger. I'd thought it was wheat, but I could lay there and eat almost a day's worth of calories and want more...but then again, when that day's worth of calories is only 2 cups I guess that isn't saying much. I'm thinking I should never have more than 1 pint of Ben & Jerry's in the freezer. I also will say that the core ice creams are not all I thought they would be. They had been in my freezer for over a month, waiting for when I was ready for dessert. I'd figured I'd have 2 servings (1/2 a pint) once a week. Nope. There were 2 days when I ate 2 pints. Not only do I wish I hadn't eaten that much, but I wish it had been Everything But The which I like better.

     So I learned I should really never stockpile Ben & Jerry's and that I can gain a lot more  and faster than I'd think. I also realize that I really would have enjoyed seeing the number on the scale going down rather than eating ice cream. The ice cream lasted minutes. The feeling of accomplishment lasts all day. It made me realize how careful I really am going to have to be. Even without splurging my weight can pop up temporarily by 3 lbs so I hadn't really worried when it first popped up. I weighed daily. If I didn't I'm sure I could easily gain 10 lbs "relaxing" a bit. Now I know to multiply what I think I'll gain by 3. I make up for those inmates who couldn't gain weight despite eating up to 10,000 calories a day. (link). It is stuff like this that makes me really irritated when people say it is just math, that you gain or lose a pound for ever 3500 more or less than we burn. Not always. Looking back through Myfitnesspal to weeks where I was losing I still lost much more "on paper."

     I think it is also important to just move forward. If you fall all off the wagon, you just get back on. It is easy to get discouraged. Mistakes are learning opportunities. 

The How

I have a lot to say about my weigh loss journey, but I think the thing most people are interested is in the how. I know I have read many books and articles about how to lose weight in hopes of finding the secret to success. Often I find contradictory information on things (only eat full fat dairy/low fat dairy/no dairy) and things that make me think being fat is the better alternative. I read the sample menus and I just can't do it.  I'll just share my experience after years of dieting. What worked for me 20 years ago no longer works and what worked for me last year didn't work as well this year. It might not work for you, but it is the question I am most asked so I will answer it here.

I will explain the whys later, and give you the how now in 2 parts. There is the first 90 and the last 20 which overlap because of a 10 pound Holiday gain. The first 90 is what I'd recommend for anyone who needs to lose a lot of weight. When you want to lose a hundred pounds or so it is a very daunting task. I remember putting my information into a diet calculator and seeing it would take over a year of faithful dieting to achieve my goal and that just really seemed like a LONG time to be on a diet. It is a long time. It is too long. I think that is one reason people so often fail. I briefly talked to a cashier at Target one day who said she was on a 1000 calorie diet to lose over 100 pounds...I should have said something, but I wanted to be supportive and I couldn't think of a non-negative way to say that was way too restrictive to keep up and lower calories than recommended. It is really hard to diet off 100 lbs. I couldn't do it anyway. What I did was a lifestyle change. I tried to act like and feed the thin woman trapped within me. I started walking. I ate 1800 calories a day in 6 small snacky meals which tended to be (5 X 200) +800 because I need dinner. Dinner I eat with my family. I need to feel full once a day. A typical days menu would be: Before 10: FiberPlus protein bar, 10-12: 45 g shelled pistachios, 12-2 8 oz lowfat chocolate greek yogurt sweetened with stevia (homemade, it is actually easy!), 2-4 2 oz turkey jerky, 4-6 30g roasted almonds, after 6  8 oz grilled chicken, 8 oz black beans and a serving of corn or peas. I don't like fruit or vegetables otherwise I'd have gotten to eat a lot more by munching on veggies all day! I changed the marinade for the chicken and twice a week I had pork or beef for dinner. I aimed for 1800 calories a day, but I tried to have one 1200 day and one 2400 day. The higher day is more important. You don't want your body to learn that 1800 is the most it will get and adjust to that. I started out walking 2 miles a day and increased until I was walking about 9 miles a day. It became habit, routine, and I lost about 10 lbs a month just living my life which is dominated by my 3 kids. I walk the older 2 to school (1/2 mile each way), take a 6 mile walk, pick up the middle girl, and then walk to pick up the eldest later. Three round trips which saves gas, wear and tear on the van and saves me dealing with school traffic so it is a win-win! Nothing extreme. No starvation, no boot camp. On my walk I pushed my youngest in the stroller while Facebooking. The weight steadily came off, slowing down to 5-8 lbs a month towards the last few months. Then I hit a plateau. Then I gained. Then I tried some stuff that didn't work. Then I came to the last 20.

The last 20 was different. When I had 104 to lose it was a marathon. At 20 it is more of a sprint. You can do things for 20 lbs that you wouldn't do for 100. Maybe someone else would, but I don't think I would have. I changed from mainly being concerned that I stay within my calorie allotment (going for a 1000 calorie deficit) to LOW carb. I read The Metabolism Miracle...ok, I skimmed a lot of it, I have 3 kids, I don't carefully read much. I didn't follow it very well, but I took 2 things from it--1 really low carb day, 50-80 carb days and 90 second high intensity intervals during cardio. So for 30 days I pretty much had the following menu most days: Before 10, Promax LS bar (18 g protein and 14 g fiber, sweetened with Stevia), 10-12: 3 eggs scrambled, 12-2: 8 oz grilled chicken breast, 2-4: PromaxLS bar, 4-6: can of tuna with mustard, after 6: grilled chicken breast, sometimes bacon wrapped. 2 nights a week this is replaced with pork or beef. One day a week I sub something else for the bars like mozzarella cheese sticks and extra chicken. Definitely no wheat or white sugar at any time. After 30 days, since I am so close to my goal I switched to maintenance mode.  Monday through Wednesday I eat like I did the first phase--going for a 1000 calorie deficit, but allowing complex carbs. Thursday I do the under 20 carb menu. Friday through Sunday I do 50-80 carbs. I call that "maintenance mode" because that is basically what I will be doing for the next 6 months while my set point is hopefully adjusting. The only difference will be that I won't be going for a 1000 calorie deficit. I'll get to eat more. At first I thought I'd just stop taking my walk and reclaim that time, but that doesn't seem like a good idea--exercise is good even if you aren't trying to lose weight. Adding in an extra 1000 is disgustingly easy. It is a lot to cut, but adding in it adds up fast. Pretty much I could have one of those blended coffee drinks at Starbucks and be done. I think one of the biggest mistakes people make dieting is that at the end they think they are done. For months after losing your body really wants to gain that weight back so what you eat then is just as important as what you ate to lose the weight.

On my walk I added in four 90 second spurts where I run. I use an interval timer and have it set so I walk for 20 minutes, run 90 seconds, walk 20 minutes and so on. I don't really like running with the stroller, but it still seems to be very effective. For toning, since I am close to my goal, I do push ups, lunges with weights, squats, crunches, leg lifts, planks...basically the greatest hits from 30 Day Shred. I use an interval timer to time 30 second sets and I just rotate through. I don't think I'd try that stuff too heavy--I don't think it pays off. I could be wrong, but I think I would have been too discouraged if I'd tried pushups in the beginning.

In between phase 1 and phase 2 which I have only named in retrospect--it wasn't the plan, I stumbled and then flailed. First I stagnated, then I stumbled and then I flailed. There may be lessons to be learned in there so I will talk about it.

A year ago basically I went from steadily losing to very slowly losing and then I just stopped before I actually gained some. As I got more active I started eating more. I wear a BodyMedia Core band that monitors my activity and I enter my food into Myfitnesspal which syncs with my band and tells me how much I should eat. It is a pretty cool set up, and I recommend both. The summer was hard because my routine was disrupted and we took several short trips which meant "vacation eating." Typically when I fall off the wagon I am up 5 lbs the day after we get back from a 2-3 day trip. It goes on fast. The combination of drive thru, not drinking enough water and sitting in the car for 3 hours each way, restaurant portions, hotel free breakfasts (carbs and fat) just does me in every time. Usually most of it is off in a week, but that 3 days pretty much put me a week or two behind each time and we went every few weeks! So when school started again I was about where I was when school ended rather than having gotten to my goal as I'd assumed I would. Then even when school started and I got back into my routine nothing much happened until I hit the Holiday season and I gained 10 lbs. This was very discouraging since I went from being midway in the 20 lbs that is the difference between being "Healthy Weight" and "Obese" which is just "overweight" and back up to "OBESE" which made me sad. It was especially disheartening because I hadn't gone on a month long free for all. I'd had a few bad days, BUT the majority of days I still was making my 1000 calorie deficit through all of this! So there was the wonder if my BodyMedia band was inaccurate, but all the info I have found on them says they are very accurate. Even if it were 80% accurate I still should have lost more than I gained.

 The year before I'd made it through the holidays losing 5 lbs which I'd been bummed about since I was used to losing 8-10 a month. Then I realized that there was a difference between Holidays 2012 and Holidays 2013. In 2012 I made fudge. 2013 was the year I tried to perfect my cookie cutter cookie recipes and technique. I baked a lot of cookies. I ate a lot of cookies. I would eat cookies when I wasn't hungry and my stomach hurt from being too full. PMS hit really hard and I'd eat insane amounts. I like fudge, but I never ate myself sick on it. Then I read something about the whole "Wheat Belly" idea and decided that going wheat-free was worth a try.
So come January 1st I started anew with a fresh vengeance. Wheat free AND I took my activity up a notch and traded my moderate activity (walking) for vigorous activity and started doing Shaun T Rockin' Body DVDs and Jillian Michael's 30 Day Shred. I wasn't messing around. I also didn't lose much weight and my pants weren't getting loose so it wasn't a matter of muscle just weighing so much more than fat. I was running 1500-2000 calorie deficits a day and not losing. So I thought maybe my body had gone into starvation mode because I was burning so much more than I was eating and I started eating more...and I gained weight despite the 1000 calorie deficit! I lost 6 pounds in January when I would have expected to lose more coming off a splurge month which should have meant lost retained water, but then GAINED 1.8 lbs in February. March, which was when I switched to the low carb I lost 13.9 pounds. I use an app called Happy Scale which keeps track of that stuff for me. The other change I made in March is I went back to my 6 mile walk. It was my "research" (that is my fancy way of saying "Googling") into how I could be not losing weight despite exercising more that led me to the low carb thing--someone mentioned the Metabolism Miracle which I then got from the library. While I didn't follow the diet really, I did take note of some of the principles. Mainly, keeping insulin release to a minimum.
 I'd tried low carb back about 15 years ago and hated it and it didn't work. It had made me cranky and lethargic. This time, eating every 2-3 hours I felt great. I can't just eat 4 oz of lean protein at a sitting. That is pretty much a deal breaker for me. However, my way worked for me. Eating the whole 8 oz chicken breast didn't void the results. Years ago what worked for me was eating once a day. I lost 100 lbs in 9 months that way back in my 20's. That and a combination of ephedra, caffeine and aspirin. And being 25, that helped...and I smoked. Once a day with no carbs was awful. The benefit of eating once a day was I could have anything I wanted as long as it wasn't deep fried so if I was craving something I just had to wait for my next meal/opportunity rather than it being off limits. Chicken club croissant sandwich? Sure. I just had a baked potato instead of fries. I worked in restaurants so that was handy. I couldn't do that now. I didn't have to shop or prep food which was a bonus.

I came by the eat every 2-3 hours thing because I had to do that when I had Gestational Diabetes when I was pregnant with my youngest. I lost 10 lbs in the 10 weeks I had it. I've read that there is no proof that it has any impact on weight loss, but it works for me. I can eat more in a day when I eat 6 small meals than I can if I eat 1-3. I always eat at least 7 grams of protein every snack. Now I avoid wheat and white sugar. In a few weeks I'll experiment with adding back sugar. So far the benefit of no wheat is I don't get cravings. The benefit of going really low carb is that lowers appetite. I've made many treats without being tempted to even try one bite. I don't buy into the you can eat as much protein as you want, no need to count calories if you aren't eating carbs idea. IMO calories always count and I could eat an insane amount of bacon. I could probably eat a pound or 2 of bacon (well, a pound or two raw cooked which wouldn't weigh a pound since so much of the weight cooks off, not a pound or 2 of crispy bacon. I think a pound of raw bacon cooks off to 3 oz. I could probably eat 6 oz of crispy cooked bacon and that would not be good, delicious, but not healthy. I could eat a lot of calories in meat easily. I weigh and log everything I eat.

I have tried cooking things without wheat and have had good success. Nothing has gone straight to the trash. I did eat 3 nice slices of wheat-free bread to log it and find that for the same calories I could have eaten almost a whole pint of Ben n Jerry's core ice cream! That made me a little sad. Hot bread out of the oven is just so good. It didn't make me feel puffy the way that wheat does and it didn't start a feeding frenzy. Who knows if the sugar in the ice-cream would have affected me differently. I'm not going to find out until I hit my goal. I can say that because it is a week or 2 away.

The benefit of cycling between low carb, really low carb, and higher carb is that for one, anything you do too consistently your body adjusts to. If you eat 1200 every day for too long your body will adjust. I assume the same would happen with under 80 carbs. The other benefit is that by splitting the week there are things I can eat some days that I would not be able to eat if I only ate one way. For instance--I couldn't  fit bacon wrapped chicken or a big steak into the calorie count on just a low calorie day. I can have bread. When I have a higher calorie allowance I can try out wheat-free baked goods recipes. Wheat-free flours with coconut sugar for low glycemic treats. I'll share the recipes.

Almost there!

Ha ha, found this draft from almost a year ago!
I have now lost 91 pounds. A year ago I was at the point where if I lost 20 lbs you couldn't tell. Now if I lost 20 lbs it would be awesome! I am now at X+37 lbs (X being my former ideal weight) which is 13 pounds away from my goal this time. My goal is to be "not overweight" by the charts with  a BMI of 24.9 of less even  hought I think BMI is BS. I know I'm never going to look at myself and think, "wow I look great, I'm done." I know this about myself. I know there will always be something I'll wonder if it wouldn't improve if I lost just a little more. So my goal is to be under the top of the "healthy weight" range. It seems kind of funny to me since I so often started diets within that range. I remember thinking how BIG that number was and going on a diet any time I hit it. It wasn't so much about how I looked, it was the number. It seems silly now that I let the numbers mean that much to me. It would have been reasonable not to want to go over that number, but it was silly to consider everything over X, which is actually the lowest number on the healthy weight range.

It is a weird feeling to be so close, to not almost always be the fattest person in the room. I'm at a point were you could tell if I gained or lost 10 pounds.

101 down and 4 to go

I had great expectations for blogging my weight loss experiences because I'd found someone else's blog to be very motivating. However I just don't spend that much time sitting at my computer anymore and there is always that feeling that nobody is going to read it anyway so why bother. So there is a gap of more than a year from my last entry.

I am now 4 lbs away from my goal which is amazing in a few ways. For one, this goal is actually 24 lbs heavier than my previous "ideal weight" which I have come to realize was ridiculous. I don't name it because posting my actual weight on the internet just seems wrong--that is top secret information, partly because there are people out there who say things like "OMG so and so ballooned up to 130 and she is only 5'7"" or "OMG I thought I was going to die when I was pregnant and hit 125 lbs, I felt like a whale!" Granted, there are also people who will say that 135 is too skinny for them, or they love how they look at 150, but unfortunately the many voices that say anything over 120 (regardless of height) is too fat and  the people who think that Jennifer Lawrence is fat...it just kind of makes admitting to anything over 115 publicly seem risky. So, while I am determined to be at peace with myself at a higher weight, I'm not naming it publicly. It is funny, because my current goal is where most of my earlier diets started because it is the top of the "Healthy range" for my height and 20 years ago anything over the lowest number was "over" and meant I needed to lose some weight. This time I'm calling it good. I'm a middle aged, happily married mom, not an aspiring bikini model or aerobics teacher. I don't need to be super fit, just healthy. If healthy habits lose me some weight after the diet is officially over, that is great, but I am not going to be down on myself for every jiggle or flaw. I'm going to eat waffles with my kids guilt free! Well, I am going to eat one of the waffles I make with my kids anyway.

Looking back I think I was previously way too focused on the number, that magic number that "proved" I wasn't fat, not matter what others might intimate. We women are really bad to each other some times. You get that thin woman in a group who is the thinnest present and she complains about how she needs to get in shape and how we could all stand to lose weight--you know, since she is a 2 and not a ZERO and all. It leaves one wondering if she is being a bitch or if she has body dysmorphic disorder and needs mental help. The look on her face the time it actually happened last led me to believe it was the former--she was showing off her flat stomach to 2 women who had just had babies and then thought saying she could lose some weight made it nicer somehow. In case you didn't know, calling yourself fat when you are smaller than the person you are talking to doesn't make them feel better. I'm going to ignore those people. I'm going to ignore the backhanded compliments about being brave for wearing a bathing suit in public, or being comfortable eating, wearing or doing something they would not do...I'm jsut going to ignore all the negativity other women lob about. I digress, I was saying I was too into the number and looking back it seems funny I didn't notice. When I got to that weight I was unhappy because I didn't look right. My ribs and hip bones stood out, and my stomach was concave, but I had weird lumps on my hips. Bone, divot, lump and I couldn't get rid of that lump. The bottom of my hourglass was lumpy. Now I realize I'd lost the fat that rounded out my hips. I hadn't cared that I'd actually looked better about 15 pounds heavier, I'd obsessed over having to weigh that number. What a waste. I'm not doing that again. I know better than to just look at my body and no the scale, because I know I'm never going to look at myself naked in the mirror and think I look perfect. Along with everyone else I am bombarded with images of unrealistic female bodies. Even models are photoshopped. Even that 20 year old who hasn't had kids is photoshopped to meet some insane ideal. I'm not comparing myself to that. I'm accepting what the charts say is a "healthy weight."

The other funny thing about being 4 pounds away from my goal is that it has taken me longer to lose the last 20 than the first 80. There is a whole bunch of weirdness with that, but that should be a different entry. I'd gotten to a point where I was thinking it wasn't really going to happen and I'd need to make peace with being overweight. I'd been morbidly obese so just overweight is a huge improvement. Being an 8 rather than an 18/20 is already quite the change. Now, at 4 pounds away, after everything I've been through I know that I could be at my goal next week, or it could take until next month. It is kind of weird to think I could actually be at my goal next week. I weighed in at 101 down today, but I could really be 103 down retaining some water since I held steady for a week before the scale started moving. Or I could hold here for a few weeks. It will feel weird because it will be the first time in over 20 years that I won't feel I should lose some weight. I'll have about a year where I have to be really careful to maintain the weight, but after my set point is reset I should be able to just life life, continuing my healthy habits, but not weighing and calculating every bite. For the last 22 months I have been on this diet. It will feel a little odd to be off it. It also strikes me as odd that 4 pounds away is both so far and so close. Four doesn't see like much, but if I quit now it would seem SO wrong...but then I think about how I plateaued 10 lbs higher and stayed there for months and months despite daily 1000+ deficits and when the scale did move it was in the wrong direction. Oddly, I think it would almost be harder to handle if that happened to me now. It shouldn't really make a different since I am in the size clothes I'll be. I'm in a 6 now. I don't think I'll ever be a 4. I don't have 4s hanging in  my closet waiting like my 6's did. I'm still hung up on an exact number, but at least this time it is more realistic.
Before:

During:

Almost there

Snack wars

There were many things I had just never really thought about before I had kids. Being judged for snacks being one of them. It seems like such a little thing, but there is just so much potential for judgment and awkwardness. We all have our different issues and different things on our radars. We have different beliefs, priorities and needs. Some people don't really care. Others are the food police. I'm pretty moderate I think. I'm not the mom with the Pepsi and Grab Bag of Doritos or the mom with the organic hummus with organic vegetable slices and non-plastic bottles of water. I'm the mom with the cheese crackers, non-organic blueberries and Capri Sun. I don't do soda, HFCS or gummi snacks, but other than that I figure playdate treats are not a staple so I don't really care.

I got food policed the other day.  I had been baking spirit cookies for my daughter's class every Friday, often in her school colors--yellow and blue. The cookies were a reward for the kids who wore their spirit shirts. I would take a few extras to the office for the staff. So last Friday as I was leaving the office  I was stopped by one of the moms in my daughter's class who asked me to stop baking cookies for the class. The cookies weren't organic and contained artificial colorings which she feels cause cancer. She didn't want her daughter eating them and didn't feel it fair to her daughter if she didn't get a cookie when other kids did so no kids should get cookies...which as they are chock full of cancer is probably good. As the mother pushing these horrid cookies I felt judged as she schooled me on the evils of them. Apparently cookies are why kids don't eat the fruit and vegetables we want them to eat. Who would have thought a weekly cookie would have such a terrible effect on the poor children. Thankfully she saved them. Of course I am judging her right back. I think she was being silly. I think if she doesn't want her kid eating cookies she needs to teach her kid to say "no thank you." I know she thought she was being the superior parent listing all the things she doesn't let her kid eat as I just thought "poor kid." The problem is that it isn't just about being polite during one confrontation or conversation. My response probably determines if her daughter will ever be allowed to come play with my daughter outside of school. What if my daughter decides her daughter is her new best friend and wants a playdate? Is her mom going to let her come to the home of a mom with such poor judgment that she pushed cancer laden cookies on innocent children? Obviously I wouldn't offer her kid cookies. I'd pull out my organic apple slices and Annie's bunnies but he mom would already know of my poor judgment issues.  So I smiled and nodded and offered the teacher that I'd bake cookies without coloring from now on as a compromise. He said that he didn't think the cookies were helping to get more kids to wear spirit shirts anyway so we could just skip the cookies as they weren't having the desired effect anyway.

 These encounters make me worry about what other parents think of the snacks I offer their kids and if . It can go so differently. If I offer to make cookies or cupcakes for a playdate the parent might think I rock or that I am a terrible parent and person for giving their kids junk food. If I pull out the Costco bag of organic sliced apples I'm either a fellow superior parent or I have boring sucky snacks. Maybe they would assume I'd judge their snacks. Would they assume I was "one of those"? Making cookies is more fun than eating apples. Kids can decorate the cookies--not much you can do with the apples.When others offer my kids snacks my only worry is that my kid will take one bite and waste it or eat it like they have never been fed before--other people's snacks taste much better than your own you know.  Usually people aren't that aggressive, it is more like they inspect the package and then say something about their child only eats organic, doesn't eat junk food like goldfish crackers or the occasional "We don't eat that crap." I've actually witnessed this more than I've had it happen to me, but it has still happened. Someday one of my kids will ask why someone said that about their food (or a food we eat) and I will have to find a way to defend my choices without being disrespectful to the other person's beliefs. I guess it is the same with all differing beliefs--you want to teach that people believe differently rather than that they are wrong or silly but it is more challenging when they have jsut insulted your choice/belief.

I have a friend with whom I discussed this issue. Her son had a classmate who food policed the other kids and told them their parents were giving them poison. It is one thing when you get the aggressive vegan who talks about your colon and how you must not know what you are doing to your body or you couldn't eat meat etc when you are an adult. It is different when someone tells your child about how terrible your choices are...like it is fact, and not just their opinion. We all make different choices for our kids and I do hope that when I tell my kids I make a certain choice for them because I love and want them to be safe and healthy that they don't take that to mean that people who make different choices don't love their kids or care about their health or safety. My thing is car safety not snacks--we all have our different issues. I hope my kids don't tell the kids who don't use car seats or boosters that their parents don't care about their safety. Life is complicated.

Food should be easier than religion or politics yet it can be very awkward. It is kind of funny though because unlike religion and politics the other side often doesn't feel as passionately so you don't tend to get the heated arguments. For instance, vegans might think meat is terrible, but omnivors don't think vegetables are bad for you. It is more like one person attacks and then is later mocked when they are gone. One time at a dance class my then 3 year old daughter was taking, a parent launched into this whole "Don't you know you are poisoning your kids" tirade while drinking a Big Gulp. I don't remember why she started and it wasn't directed at a single person, but she went on and on about how the food in stores is poison and you have to have your own chickens or buy from a farmer you trust. All processed foods were poison. Anything you bought in a grocery store was poison--milk, eggs, vegetables--everything. On and on about how ignorant we( in general I guess) were because we would never eat food from the store if we knew what she knew. The next week she brought her daughter in carrying a fast food bag. The day of the tirade the other moms were all quiet and acted like they were listening to a reasonable  person talk. As soon as she left there was an explosion of conversation about her soda, how crazy what she said was and how rudely she had termed everything. I was no better, but I wonder why none of us voiced our disagreement to her. Why didn't anyone simply say "I don't believe that" or  a simple "I'm not poisoning my kids." Or a "I don't want to hear anymore of this." I get why nobody questioned her about her soda because the "look at you!" arguments are annoying, but "I don't appreciate being told I'm ignorantly poisoning my kids" would have been called for. Maybe since there were many of us we were all waiting for someone else to say something. I think if she had launched into a specific person I might have come to their defense but when it was directed at everyone I kept my pie hole shut. I'm sure pie is poison too.

Over half way there

     I am now down 63 pounds and have hit that point where I think people who see me would think I could stand to lose some weight, but I don't think I'd be described as "obese" even though I still technically am. I fit into "normal" sized clothes. Sometimes I feel a little giddy when I think about how the next bathing suit I buy will be a single digit or how in the Spring I can buy clothes that actually look cute. I'll have all new problems then though because I'm not exactly sure how a mom to small children in her mid forties is supposed to dress.  Who knows what I'll be left with when the extra weight is gone--it probably isn't going to be the body I had 10 years ago. I am currently at ("ideal weight")+56, that "ideal" being the super thin I couldn't even maintain at 20 for any length of time. I plan on losing at least 20 pounds more, but think I'll probably go for 40 more---somewhere between 20 and 40 when I hit a point where what I'm doing isn't delivering results I'll call it good, buy all new clothes, and go into maintenance-mode. I mention that I am ("ideal weight")+56 because there still is a part of me that feels that that number in HUGE while another part rejoices that it is SO much better than what I've been the last 8 years. I'm at that point where other women say I look great, but I'm looking forward to when some of them stop talking to me about it ha ha. You know, that point where they feel threatened for some reason so they can't say anything nice. I'm pretty much aiming for where I used to be when I felt fat and wanted to lose weight. It wasn't so much that I thought I looked fat, it was more that the number on the scale told me I was fat because it wasn't a number I could proudly announce. It wasn't like 107. I feel like women are supposed to be under 120 even though I know that for most women that is rather underweight unless you are short. It is the movie weights I think that give me that idea. I would guess that most women who are not fat nor model thin are probably 140ish. I don't ask other women how much they weigh and they probably wouldn't answer honestly anyway so that is just a guess. I think this time if I get down to 140ish I will be happy with it instead of feeling I need to try to get those last 20ish pounds off.
    I've had my moments. I get happy when I hit a new 0 going below the last 10. I get happy when I can size down my pants. Then there have been the sad moments like when I measured myself and saw that I am wearing a few sizes smaller than the clothing chart says I should be. You think you are a 12 because your pants are a size 12 but the chart says you are an 18--uncool. I've also had times I found a pair of pants I was sure would have to fit because they looked SO HUGE and they were tight. That is why I've fixated on the number on the scale because I don't trust that i'm not delusional about my size. I'm probably rarely right. I'm probably either over or underestimating my size. I know it isn't just me.
     I have had to make some changes along the way. Sometimes I feel like I am juggling and keep getting thrown new balls to work in. I guess that is how it goes. So far it has turned out ok. The first challenge I hit was my blood pressure went up. I'd never had a problem with my blood pressure before.  Then boom, I hit 127 over an ok number I've forgotten. I wasn't sure if it was the fact that I was eating too much sodium or not as much garlic so I lowered the sodium and started taking garlic pills. I threw in some CoQ10 for good measure. I used to get a lot of garlic on the frequent pasta I ate. Cottage cheese and deli turkey breast were giving me a lot of sodium. I cut out the cottage cheese and replaced the deli turkey with a freshly cooked thin sliced chicken breast which is in some ways more work, but it is worth it. It jsut makes it a little harder when you have to look at protein, carbs and sodium--it is often only 2 that are good. (I want at least 7 grams of protein every time I eat.) So now for breakfast I eat 2 ounces of mozzarella melted on a multigrain tortilla, have 33 grams of almonds for snack, a 4 oz chicken breast on low carb bread with an ounce of cheese for lunch and then i have dinner which usually includes 12 oz of black beans, 6-8 oz of chicken, pork or beef (75% of the time chicken wiht the others rotated) and sometimes a baked potato or corn or peas. My daily treat is a See's lollipop.  I dropped a snack that I probably shouldn't have. I need to get back to eating every 2 1/2 hours to keep my metabolism up, but I'm not really hungry so I forget. I get busy and forget. Sometimes I add a cheese stick if I remember, but I need to be better at remembering. The other change I've made is that I walk a lot. It is a pretty easy way to get exercise but it takes time. Most days I spend at least 2 hours walking which means I have 2 hours less in my day to do everything else that needs to get done. I do multitask in that I check email and Facebook while walking. I need that 6 or so miles a day because now my calorie requirement is so low it would be really hard to make it without them. One of those hours doesn't really count because it is walking kids to and from school--that hour is pretty much gone. There are 3 trips. If I drove and had to park and get everyone in and out of car seats it would probably take the same 20 minutes a trip as walking does. Now I may change again. My youngest may be old enough to enjoy the gym daycare so some long walks may be replaced by the gym. That won't save time however. I have to drive to the gym, get everyone out and in the daycare and get dressed. An hour walk takes exactly 1 hour. An hour at the gym takes close to 2. An hour walk is free. An hour at the gym costs $4 in daycare fees. However an hour at the gym should burn a lot more calories. We'll see. With the weather changing I might need to go back to Xbox Zumba and dance games.
    The other challenge I have is finding balance; that balance between willpower and determination and being able to have cake at a birthday party or ice-cream with one of my kids on a kid-date. I want to lose weight, but I don't want the biggest thing about me to be that I'm on a diet. I want to teach my kids good habits, but I don't want them to feel women can never have carbs. For me extremes have always been easier than moderation. No pizza is easier than stopping at one slice. I'm working on it.
   

losing weight

A month ago I got a Bodyfit Media core armband. The thing goes on my arm and tracks my activity levels. I don't really get how it works. Supposedly it can sense different things and then puts that together wiht my info that I entered and viola it can "read" me. It is so small and at $120 I don't know how sophisticated it can really be. I guess the jury is still out on how accurate it really is. You manually enter in all the food you eat which I'd already been doing with Myfitnesspal. This should be more accurate since it monitors all your activity, so for instance, if I put in that I did 45 minutes of aerobics 3 days in a row MFP would show that I burned X calories each time. The bodyfit band however can tell that one day I was busting my ass all 45 minutes one day and doing a halfassed job another day. It rewards me with a picture that shows how hard I worked and how much of that was "vigorous" and how much was just "moderate." However...maybe it is just reading how much my arm moves. I guess I could test that by doing 100 leg lifts or something where my arm doesn't move but I'm working.

Today I decided to take all the "calorie deficit" information it had--almost 1 month's worth to compare what it said and what the reality is. There are 2 problems. One--it is a bad time for me to weigh myself due to monthly female issues...ok, PMS bloat. Secondly, I could have possibly gained some muscle doing aerobics. According to the numbers I've lost 13 lbs this month. According to the scale I've lost 9...but with bloating tomorrow that could be 12 or 13. I wish I'd marked down 5 weeks ago what Myfitnesspal said I'd weigh in 5 weeks to see how accurate it is. The "If every day were like today in 5 weeks you would weigh XXX" is motivating!

So I don't really know how accurate my Bodyfit core band really is, but I can tell you that it does motivate me to move more. Last week I had LASIK and so that day I basically lay in bed all day. I burned 1000 calories less than I have been. It is like how you work harder when being watched. If I'm lazy it is documented so am I going to lay in bed and watch tv or am I going to get up and do stuff when the energy expended is going on my PERMANENT RECORD! I think for that alone it is worth it.

I'm talking about my weight but not putting how much I weigh, want to weigh, or how much I have to lose. Part of that is I don't know if I really want that information out there. People who see me can see I'm fat but they don't know the number. As for how much I want to lose, well...I'm not sure. I used to have an actual goal in my younger days. I had a weight I wanted to be and anything over it was overweight. That weight was pretty low for me. I actually had about 40 lbs above that weight which were in the healthy weight range. That weight was the bottom of the healthy weight range--one pound under was "underweight." I think that was because I thought that that way nobody could think I was fat. You know how other women are--some will make you feel fat no matter how thin you are--you could be a little thinner. Ironically, there was a day where I was this ideal weight and I literally mean one single day where I was 1XX.0, not 1XX.2 and this guy told me that I'd be a "knock out" if I lost 15 lbs. He was short and chubby himself. It was just so funny how the one day some jerk had the balls to say that to me was the day that I was at my actual ideal weight. It was a stupid thing to say regardless, but if he'd said it at 1XX.0+15 it would have been different. I was a size 2, but he thought I needed to be a size 0 to be a knock out and then I could have dated this awesome man--woo hoo. Now I don't have a number that I deem a success because I know that I won't wake up and feel perfect at a certain weight, and there will never be a weight that someone won't find fault with. I just know that I have been out of the healthy weight range for too long. I need to loose about 57 pounds to be in the healthy weight range. I have lost 26 lbs so far so I am about 1/3 of the way there which means that I was 83 lbs over my top healthy weight--not good. But now I am only 57 over which is at least better. Next month I should be about 45 over...Once I get to the top I'll see where I go from there. I've had 3 kids since I was last thin. I'm a married mom in her 40's--do I really need to be a size 2? or 4? In my youth I had to work hard at staying thin--do I have that time and energy now? I think I'll be fine just being a healthy weight.

Losing a lot of weight can be very daunting. I remember in my 20's going on diets to lose 20 lbs and how upset I was I couldn't do it in under a month even if I was really good and didn't cheat at all. That seems funny now. When you get to a certain point you are lucky if you can lose the weight you want in a YEAR even if you are really good and don't cheat. That is why you can't look at it as losing 100+ lbs. You look at it as losing 10 lbs this month every month. You look at it as being better off next month than you are now. You look at what you will be able to wear this time next year. Otherwise you will want to just get back in bed and cry. The other day I had one of those little reality slaps life likes to give you. I had had a really good couple of days where I'd exercised extra, eaten well and was feeling like I was getting in better shape. I took a pair of Capris out of the closet that had been too small when i bought them a while back. I looked at them and they looked huge and I thought they'd be nice and loose and comfy. They barely zipped and are tight on the waist. I think it might be one of those vanity sizing things that happens where you are used to the vanity sized clothing and then a true sized item gets thrown in there and throws you. Or maybe it is because  I get "relaxed fit" so my true pant size is actually bigger than what I want to think it is. It was just disheartening to think I was slimming down, I'd lost 26 lbs after all...to find out the size 18 capris are tight in the waist. It was odd too because with my body things are usually tight in the hips and loose in the waist so it was odd to have it clear my hips and be tight in the waist. i don't think that has ever happened to me before. I don't think it is a positive development. Or they were just cut weird. Let's hope that was it.

I hate when youngsters say that losing weight is easy; that you just have to burn more than you consume. In a way that IS true, it just doesn't take in account the fact that your body can lower your metabolism and once it gets used to an activity it gets very efficient at conserving energy. If this weren't the case people would have starved to death. During lean times the population would have died off. Look at a farmer working the fields by hand. That is hard work and in lean times he didn't get extra food. His body had to do funny math so that he could do the work needed on what he had. It would be nice however if the body only did this when you were under a certain percentage body fat. It isn't fair it happens to obese people too. The key I have found is to keep it a secret that you are dieting...from your body. Eat some fat and protein every 2-3 hours so it doesn't worry about lean times. Don't work out too hard or too long, just little spurts here and there. You have to be sneaky because if your body figures it out you are screwed. As for the youngsters most of them will figure out they were full of shit in time when what they do stops working as well for them too. They will remember rolling their eyes at the idea that age slows your metabolism and realize they were wrong. I wish they weren't. I wish it was just about being lazy and eating oreos because it is were I would not be fat.

This is what a workout looks like on the screen after I sync with my computer: